The Best A Man Can Get. by Robert Ragan

Here at Gillette, we'd like to apologize for offending you.

No, we'd rather tell you to shut the fuck up!

If you're a man and offended by a commercial then you should castrate yourself with one of our razors

The creative team behind our ad campaign, well none of them have any type of writing degree. No, they're just pissed off failed poets. Writers we found on the streets and pay with dope.

Plus we're owned by Procter & Gamble, so you can't fuck with us.

‘Now the world premiere of a brand new Gillette commercial.’

In the early morning, a paperboy on a bicycle throws a newspaper on someone's freshly cut lawn behind a white picket fence.

Inside the house, a family sits at the table.
The father in a suit and tie, cleanly shaven.
His bright, cheerful, blond wife pours him a glass of milk.

Their son long haired and pale-faced is slumped down in his chair. He's wearing a dog collar and a Marilyn Manson t-shirt.

In the next scene, the father is shirtless and shaving in front of the bathroom mirror. To his reflection, he says, "My whole family uses Gillette. My old lady shaves her legs with the same ones I use." Flashing to her in one of his old t-shirts with her legs nicked all to hell.

Next, they're inside an emergency room with a doctor sewing up a long gash in their son's arm. The goth kid cries like a bitch. His father, smiling at the camera says, “Even my son, Ralph, uses Gillette and he doesn't even shave yet."

In the final scene, the father is drunk outside a bar. Some biker pushes him down. Before getting back up he looks at the camera and says, “I never leave home without a Gillette," then pulls out a razor blade hidden in his mouth.

The commercial ends with the father attacking the biker with the razor blade pinched between his thumb and fingers.

Now, before you bitches go into an outrage, just remember that we here at Gillette don't give a fuck what you think!

Anyone offended, well suck a fat one!

Instead of a shout out, I'd like to send a ‘fuck you’ to all the men out there growing beards. Old mountain man looking motherfuckers, they should give y’all rabies shots.

Oh, and women with hairy legs and pussies, fuck y'all too!

Last but not least. Bic, we all hate you and hope every one of you dies. May your entire staff go postal.

Y’all got us with those lighters, but we'll always be the upper echelon of the razor game bitches.

Robert Ragan from Lillington NC lives his life for art and writing. He has stories and poetry online at Vext Magazine, Outlaw Poetry, The Dope Fiend Daily, The Rye Whiskey Review, Drinkers Only, Under The Bleachers, Cajun Mutt Press, and Punk Noir Magazine. Alien Budha Press has published his short story collection “Mannequin Legs and Other Tales”