STARTING OUT LATE. by Jay Passer

I'm constipated with

the cries of gulls

and grind of backhoes

crashing into walls

falling down stairs

burning the toast

it's summer white with fog

and somnambulant sidewalks

I've started out late

Broadway garish with neon

promoting kink and sleaze

where I learned to love

Jay Passer's work has appeared in print and online since 1988. He is the author of several chapbooks and has appeared in a bunch of anthologies. His latest collection, they lied to me when they said everything would be alright, from Pski's Porch, is available at Amazon. Passer lives and works in San Francisco, the city of his birth.

They Still Believe In Pussy Magnets. by J.J. Campbell

whenever i see a

man in a little

sportscar, i wonder

how small his penis

is

when i see it's an

old guy, i get it

mid-life crisis

when i see it's

a young guy

i want to get up to

him, make him put

down his window

and just let him

know

diamonds are

fucking cheaper

J.J. Campbell (1976 - soon) is old enough to know where the bodies are buried. He's been widely published over the years, most recently at Fourth and Sycamore, Pyrokinection, Dodging the Rain, Midnight Lane Boutique and Rusty Truck. His most recent chapbook, the taste of blood on christmas morning, was recently published by Analog Submission Press. You can find him most days waxing poetic on his mildly entertaining blog, evil delights. (http://evildelights.blogspot.com)

Hangover Secrets. by Ron Murphy

Often people ask me .

"Ron how do you seem to consume endless amounts of booze , yet are seldom hungover"?

The answer is simple .

With lots of practice and following the Ron Murphy rules of drinking and wellness you too will no longer fear the dreaded hangover .

Every morning I start out with a simple aerobic ritual.

Of smoking a pack of cigarettes and drinking four pots of coffee .

Then unwinding enjoying some fine internet porn.

The key is don't start out the day loading greasy food into your stomach.

Why eat crap you're only going to puke up anyways ?

I also enjoy a long walk in the park and some good conversation in the men's room .

Male bonding it key to life much like hunting and nude oil wrestling .

Then I usually go see my dealer to score some crystal meth.


Then it's off to the studio to do voice over work for Walmart .

After a long day of laying down some sweet tracks I like to head to my favorite health food institution MacDonald's.

After consuming fifteen macdoubles  Ron likes to hit the bars to go hunting some poontang.

Then after finding a lovely lady of the night I like to bring her home .

So we can enjoy a evening of smoking crack and watching netflix then having wild unprotected sex .

Ron Murphy does not fear disease for he has been blessed by magic powers from the voices in his head .

Then after I drop my rented girlfriend off I go home and it's time to finally cut loose .

Usually I enjoy enjoy drinking grain alcohol .

Then I usually black out and go riding and sometimes awake at the city zoo .

One time I passed out and woke up five states from home .


The key to beating hangovers is never be sober .

Why I am proud to say I have remained  drunk for thirty four years straight .

Fuck you rehab .


Yes why face the annoying bullshit of this life sober .

Grab a cocktail and say fuck it .

Just like you're trusted friend old Ron Murphy.

Please drink responsibly
And always have a spotter when robbing a convenience store .

You stay sexy readers out there .

You're Welcome .

Ron Murphy 

Is one of the most respected voices in all of Hollywood .

He is a voice over legend and worshiped as a God in a small village in a third world country known as Indiana .

He is currently divorced and living in the Motel 666 right beside the airport in Evansville Indiana. 

Ron Murphy is currently working on his memoirs. 

The Golden Voice In Dark Days Part 1

Once has already sold two copies eventhough its not finished yet and on amazons sexy sellers list.

When not working hard for his money.

Ron Murphy enjoys hanging round the pool with the rest of the guys from the frat taking lots of sexy pictures .

Ron is also writing his first children's book.

Mommy Why Do You Get The House .

Co written by Ron's on again off again girlfriend Taylor Swift .

Ron also rocks the night away with lounge act .

Ron Murphy and the Blackouts .

Ron Murphy is the voice of UTB and enjoys serial killing , Occasional Devil Worship .

And the finest non Roman orgies ..

This is Ron's first and hopefully last Ezine publication.

Remember keep it sexy readers .

You're Welcome .

The Scientific Method. by Scott Maclovin Simmons

Being a true scientist is seldom ever appreciated anymore.
I studied long and hard everyday but my anatomy professor still failed me.

Sure I was using playboy as my primary textbook but how else can you learn about finding the perfect breasts?

She also did not approve very much of my advanced methods of experimentation.
As I would often strip down naked in the lab.

I experimented with her rigorously in so many different ways with little if any success.

I started by calling her mommy and gave her a whip.

She just stared at me shocked and most likely confounded by my brilliance.

Despite my failures I was always persistent and I tried something new every time.
And I brought a variety of instruments like ropes, candles, vibrators, clamps etc.

It took only about a quarter of a semester for my peers to finally grow too jealous.

So eventually they expelled me from school and arrested me for
Sexual harassment and I spent a few months in jail.

It’s a damn shame to be an intelligent person in academia these days.

Scott Maclovin Simmons 

Is currently a UTB pledge .

When not partying like a rockstar before bedtime .

Scott often is editing his fine publication The Dope Fiend Daily .

Scott enjoys hanging with the boys over at the Frat and as long as he keeps paying for the drinks and being the official designated driver slash errand boy for the guys .

We will tolerate him and torment the living shit out of him.

Scott has three publications none of which I will list here cause im a prick.

Scott loves to party with the ladies in his mind .

And is currently single and looking to mingle.

He loves anime and super hero movies and many other pussy ass activities .

He is also looking to restart his acting career since his last film Super Bad .

Scott is also currently going to wrestling school least thats what his uncle Larry calls it .

Scott is currently in his closet studio working on some sick beats for his new hip hop album .

Once truly shows the world is tone deaf .

If you ever want to talk simply give Scott a call at.

832 802 9340

Scott Esquire Simmons 

Official pledge of U.T.B.

Liquid Courage Never Tasted So Good. by Ryan Quinn Flanagan

   

She jokes

that when I’m drunk

I start speaking properly.

The rest of the time

I stumble over my words

and won’t look her in the eye.

I can always tell when you are drunk,

she says,

you start talking like an English professor

and making sense.

And you don’t mumble anymore.

Your voice booms with confidence.

It’s like a whole other person.

I tell her to enjoy it while it lasts.

Tomorrow I will be sober.

Ryan Quinn Flanagan is a male gigolo for hire.  Presently residing along the sunny shores of Guantanamo Bay, Cuba where he spends his days drinking discount Tequila and accusing chemtrails of being "sky farts."  His work can be found both in print and online in such joints as: The Rye Whiskey Review, The Dope Fiend Daily, Outlaw Poetry Network, Horror Sleaze Trash, and Under The Bleachers.

Wanted. by El Bastardo

                  

A senorita with huge maracas.
Who has lots of denaro and low standards .

A woman with strong legs and whom doesn't mind bubble gum for breakfast .

Or at least does not mind blowing things .

I want someone to walk through dis life with me .
To hold my cape while I wrestle other well oiled men into submission .

Who also loves reading poetry while drinking wine ico and making love to the Price Is Right all at once .

She must have big home for i need room to hold my many title belts and action figures .

What senor does not enjoy playing with himself ?

I seek a senorita who understands the depth of a man's soul and has a trapeze over the bed .

A senorita that will understand a true man wears his mask to bed and sometimes has sensitive nipples .

I know you are out there somewhere longing to be with the greatest luchador poetry writing masked superstar and small business owner of all times


If reading to take the penguin  by the horns .

Please send email with picture resume and social security number for background check ico to dis fine publication .


Kiss kiss

  El Bastardo

Is currently busy trying to collect pesos to fund his campaign to become President of the United States because why not?

He holds many title's all over the world and is the father of at least 500 children.

He holds a degree in interior design and is a spiritual guru to the stars.

He enjoys painting nude portraits of the invisible man .
And loves all mankind including Bill Gates .

When not on the road he resides in the Bat Cave as he kicked that pussy Batman's ass and evicted him.

He can also be found giving seminars on Wrestling and Poetry .

He collects moon rocks and limited edition Golden Girls action figures .

He will be giving a reading at the Old Country Buffet this Thursday .

He is currently working on his new book.

Last Tussle In The Senior Center .

And looking for a publisher soon.

Ole 🌹

Closing Argument. by Matt Amott

We spent the last

dozen Saturdays

having lunch 

at a window sill table,

watching all the characters

stroll through the Quarter.

Today though,

she laid it out.

Talking about 

career goals,

maturity

and different directions

we were heading.

I don't even realize 

we were breaking up.

She wasn't all wrong,

most of what she said 

could've been true.

She was smart,

pre-law at Tulane,

so she might've had a case

but I thought it was 

politely vicious to 

a make her argument

after I already paid 

the check.

Matt Amott is a poet, musician and photographer who wanders around the Pacific Northwest. He is co-founder and co-editor of Six Ft. Swells Poetry Press and has been published in numerous collections as well as two books of his own, THE COAST IS CLEAR (Six Ft. Swells Press) and GET WELL SOON (Epic Rites Press).  He can be reached and purchases made at afterhourspoetry.com.