As embarrassments go by Michael Dwayne Smith

caught jacking off to Marlo Thomas bouncing her

bob around in That Girl gives a guy pause,

not to mention the masterful mosaic of deception

elaborated around the beautiful but not so sweet Mary Ann

(and later, a simpleton’s faith in the idea that

telling women the truth will set you free).

Terrible the episodic yearnings for Ginger in an apron,

shipwrecked in the kitchen. Laughable the yearner

in a recliner, afloat in the warm television current.

Clarity: there are no bikini bombshells

asleep in a bottle beached at the doorstep of manhood.

Where were all the men meant to mentor us? Cheers,

as it turns out. Married, with children. Sermons and

bible stories always end in fire and rot,

so no rescue expected, but getting that girls were people,

just like me, buoyant with all the same flaws, well,

that was disappointment. As letdowns go, caught

swallowing a fistful of sedatives, a la M*A*S*H, stops

a man in his tracks, not to mention the reality

TV of Mary Ann dialing 9-1-1, matter-of-factly

reporting the “accident,” then strutting out the door.

The world through a hospital window looks yellowish

small, but spring trumpets wildflower revival—

remember mythologizing her while hiking, stoned,

under Yosemite stars? Believing you needed

to believe you loved her? Meeting that bear face-to-face

by a lantern of full moon was a wakeup call.

As epiphanies go, it didn’t amount to much more

than adrenaline, but that immediate deep need

to apologize to the bear, to Mary Ann, to yourself,

unfroze every muscle, heart included, and (in sauntering

away) we were free and clear, absent any desire

to consider anything not right here right now.

So, as certainties go, between girls and boys and bears,

for certain we have this truth: only them that’s

reborn as wilderness gets to see the promised land.

Michael Dwayne Smith lives near a Mojave Desert ghost town with his family and rescued animals. His most recent book is Roadside Epiphanies (Cholla Needles Press, 2017). Nominated multiple times for the Pushcart Prize and Best of the Net, his work haunts many literary houses--including The Cortland Review, New World Writing, Star 82 Review, Blue Fifth Review, Skidrow Penthouse, Word Riot, Rat's Ass Review, Gravel, San Pedro River Review--and has been widely anthologized. When not writing or teaching, he edits Mojave River Press & Review.